I don’t have any photos to share about our dinner last night, as we were out for dinner at my in-laws place. My father in law turned 70 yesterday so the family got together for a pot-luck BBQ, with one person bringing salad and banana cream pie, another bringing baked potatoes, we brought the buns and our hosts made the hamburger patties and had hot dogs on hand.
Fortunately, what I am describing is a menu my kids like. I will be honest that we are not always so lucky when it comes to visits at the grandparents house – though fortunately there is usually a big enough spread that there is at least something my kids can eat.
But, here’s the concern
If you have ever been to a dinner party that includes a larger group of people, whether it’s your friends or family or co-workers, as soon as kids are present – everyone wants to give you some advice on how your kid is behaving, acting and/or eating.
They may also want to give you some feedback on how your kid is growing – whether it’s too fast or too slow, and while they are at it – maybe they will give you some parenting tips too. Lucky!!
Now maybe I am generalizing too much, and of course there is the occasional social gathering that we attend as parents, where we won’t get some unsolicited tips. We really should try to fill our calendars with more of these types of events! But I think it is really common to go out and get some tips about how your kids are eating. Especially if you are trying to use the evidence-based division of responsibility approach.
What is the difference between a traditional and division of responsibility approach to eating?
Traditional eating approaches will likely look different for everyone – and perhaps you can make your own list that differs from mine. But here are some examples of comments I hear from people who are following a traditional approach and how this differs with a division of responsibility approach.
| Traditional | Division of Responsibility |
|---|---|
| – Must try some of everything that is served | – Try what you want to try |
| – Must finish your plate (or most of it) | – Eat what feels good and stop eating when full |
| – Make eating dessert contingent on eating an adult decided appropriate amount of the main course | – Eat dessert if you want to |
| – Restrict a child from eating more of something they like if they haven’t eaten enough of something else | – Have seconds, thirds or fourths (if you want) of something that you like provided there is enough food for everyone |
| – Stay at the table until everyone is finished eating | – Stay at the table for age-appropriate length of time (e.g. 20 minutes for school-age kids) |
| – Praise a child who eats lot or a little depending on how the adult has assessed the child’s growth pattern | – Remain neutral and allow a child to listen to their internal cues with regards to how much to eat or not eat |
| – Reprimand a child who is eating too much or too little depending on how the adult has assessed the child’s growth pattern | – Remain neutral and allow a child to listen to their internal cues with regards to how much to eat or not eat |
How do different approaches impact kids and their caregivers?
This answer will look different for everyone. But, evidence suggests that for many kids, traditional eating approaches encourage them to stop trusting the intuition that guides them in what to eat and how much, to grow in the way that nature intended for them. Evidence also suggests that caregivers following a traditional approach are more likely to experience meal-time stress and perceive their kids are more poorly behaved at meal times.
For kids, consuming foods in an environment using the division of responsibility approach, typically these kids are more open to trying new foods (on the timeline that is right for them), find meal times more enjoyable and grow on the pattern that nature intended for them. For caregivers using this approach, they often find that meal times are less stressful and more enjoyable. They also find that kids are better behaved at meal times.
What should we do about it?
If you find yourself having to navigate situations like this – it can be uncomfortable. I, myself, generally prefer avoiding conflict at social gatherings rather than creating conflict and so I know this is a challenge. Depending on the relationship you have with the other adults that are involved, if you can talk about what you are doing with feeding and why then this may be the best approach.
Here is a blog post from the Ellyn Satter Institute that focuses on having this conversation with grandparents. Though, I want to be clear that I think this comes up in many social gatherings caregivers attend with kids. I think there are a lot of great tips in this blog post about how to have these difficult discussions, though I admit that its not a discussion I have taken on.
What have I done about it?
For me, I have never felt that we have enough social gatherings where my kids are exposed to traditional eating approaches so aggressively that I have felt the need to talk with the other adults in the situation.
But, now that my kids are older, we do talk about it before and after the gathering. I make it clear to my kids that different places have different rules. I tell them that we will do our best to be respectful of the rules, but that I still want them to eat what feels right to them. Specifically, I let them know that I will put foods on their plate but I don’t expect them to eat it all and they can leave anything they don’t want. Finally, I let them know that regardless of what they like or do not like, they must 1) never say there is something that don’t like in a rude way and 2) that they must say thank you to the cook!
So what?
Eating with others can a source of stress for parents – especially if those others follow a more traditional approach to eating, rather than the evidence-based strategies suggested by the division of responsibilities.
If you feel comfortable, you may be able to talk with the other adults to let them know what you are doing and why, when it comes to feeding your kids. If those conversations are a challenge, you might also be able to talk directly with your kids and let them know what your expectations are of them in these scenarios.
Have you encountered conflicts around the way you feed your kids? What kinds of “great” feedback and tips have you received? Any good ideas to share on how to navigate these situations? I would love to hear from you. Leave a comment or send me an email at contact@kellypicard.com. Thanks for reading!
